I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize