Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
