I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
This is my gift to your gina
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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