I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
