Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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