remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
then he tried to convert me to islam
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
