One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
