Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
