so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I wish they made helmets for livers.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize