If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
