I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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