I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
