Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
