So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
