I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
