I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
