Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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