Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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