I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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