Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just googled if crying burns calories
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
