Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
