He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
