i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
