Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i came on her dog
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
