dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
