It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I'm both gender and math confused
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
