Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
