Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
