I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
