I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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