Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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