Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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