she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
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