I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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