The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
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