Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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