K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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