so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize