It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
