I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
