If i come over, it means nothing
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize