I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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