im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
