In the future we'll all be gay
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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