Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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