I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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