after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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