you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
