I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Randomize
