you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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