He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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