is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
