Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
