Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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