best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
