Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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