You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
