it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize